Counting Stars
by fromthehillbythelake
Summary: "I tried carrying weight of the world, but I only have two hands." Four-shot about how Clare's family is dealing with her cancer.
1. Chapter 1

**Okie dokie, this is a four-shot (I think) about how Clare's family members deal with her cancer because it's a crime that they haven't even been mentioned, regardless of the actors leaving.**  
**I hope I do this justice, and that you all like it :)  
**  
**I don't own.**

* * *

_Jake_  
-x-

The entire elevator ride up is electric with tension. He's breathing heavily, and the woman beside him looks uncomfortable. He pushes the button violently again, biting back his acid thoughts.

It's just a couple moments before he bursts through Her door, nearly growling as it slams into the wall.

He sees Clare propped up in bed on her laptop, surprise and then shame etching her features. Katie runs in a second later, gasping for breath and reaching for him. Any happiness that could've resulted from this reunion is about a month too late.

Jake grinds his jaw before he starts.

"This is bullshit-"

"Jake-" Clare whimpers.

"How could you not tell me?!"

Katie bites her lip, placing a hand on his shoulder, but he shakes her off.

"I didn't want to be-"

"I can't believe you didn't tell me.." his voice breaks at the end, his hands clenching at his sides. He looks at the floor, desperately trying to hold it together. He fails.

"I was in B.C.!" he yells. "Not China, not India, not Australia! Why didn't you call me?! I could've been here!"

Clare bursts into tears, and Katie's still holding her breath.

"I was fUCKING MUSHROOM PICKING! YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D COME BACK TO SEE YOU?!"

"_Shh_," Katie murmurs, but he doesn't acknowledge her.

"You didn't think I'd make a trip back for my sister?!" he cries, and Clare shrinks even smaller. _Does she really think so little of me?_ She still doesn't answer him.

"How long'd they give you?" he demands, though it isn't harsh.

"Jake!" Katie winces, looking at Clare. After a breath, Clare looks to him.

"They don't know," she answers, her voice soft. "I got better, then I got worse, and now..."

"You could've died while I was in fucking B.C.!" he snaps, suddenly furious with the realization of just how long she'd been keeping this from him.

"She's not going to die!" Katie barks back.

Jake's frame is ridged with anger, his smirk thick with sadness. It looks as though he's remembering something, something painful and long-buried, but he then composes himself.

"I'm sorry," he says after a while, in a low, detached tone. "I'm sorry, Clare."

Katie looks in between him and Clare, communicating with Jake in some silent way that Clare doesn't understand.

"Do you want anything Clare?" Katie asks warmly, after a beat. "Tea, pop, anything?"

Clare shakes her head, knowing Katie's leaving to give her and Jake some time alone, but not wanting her to leave to give her and Jake some time alone. Then she remembers-

"Katie, you're supposed to be at Camp! I don't want-"

Katie's shaking her head as she walks over, holding back her tears as she buries her face in her friend's neck.

"It's good to see you," she whispers, hugging Clare closer. "I missed you. We'll talk later okay? I'll go get you something first."

Clare nods from her spot on the bed, smiling as Katie gets up to leave. She and Jake share a quick glance before she closes the door, leaving one Martin and one Edwards to stare at each other in silence, completely alone.

"You know," Jake grins, hands in his pockets and falling back to his usual calm demeanor. "I always thought I'd be the first one to lose my hair."

Clare touches a hand to her scalp absentmindedly before she giggles.

* * *

-x-

"You told Helen and dad not to tell me, right?" he asks, sitting on the chair beside her bed. She's still curled up under her covers, but the laptop's away now. She nods guiltily.

Jake runs a hand through his hair. "I can't believe they didn't tell me."

"I asked them not to," Clare says gently. "I made them swear-"

"But they're adults," Jake cuts in bitterly. "They shouldn't have put that on you."

Clare sighs softly. "I'm seventeen-"

Jake looks at her, hands clasped together on his knees. _Too young_, his eyes say, _too young for all this_, but he smiles his typical Jake smile.

"I know," he says. "I know."

Clare smiles, and she tries so hard to make it reach her eyes. She's exhausted and sore and her stomach is gnawing at her.

"You're tired," Jake says low, putting a hand on her calf. "I'll let you sleep-"

"No," Clare insists, sitting up straight. "You just got here-"

"And I'll be here tomorrow," he says gently, smiling.

She chews on her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. "I'm sorry for not telling you," she whispers. "You didn't have to come all this way you know-"

"Clare," Jake gets out, his tone making her feel guilty, though she knows it isn't his intention so she gets even more angry at herself. "For once in your life, please stop thinking about everyone else."

The way he says it, with such sincerity…like he understands that she cares for people, won't ever stop caring for people, but that it will take time for her to not worry about things so much because it's who she is, and since she doesn't know how long she has, shouldn't she be the only Clare Edwards she knows?...makes her accept his words, truly, without a single doubt.

She smiles and hugs herself closer under the covers, wishing him goodnight after he tells her he'll be sleeping at home and will be over tomorrow.

Not long after the door closes, Clare's eyes close too, the twinkly lights being the last thing she sees.

* * *

-x-

He jokes around, and for a while, she even forgets about her cancer. He's quiet, waits for her to speak, for her to voice her fears. He doesn't push, like Helen, and doesn't prod, like Glen. She tells him her struggles and her adventures, and he listens in that perfect way he's learned to.

He doesn't lie to her, like everyone else seems to do because they don't want to scare her. Doesn't try to protect her feelings when she tells him her chances. And he fills the time when she doesn't have anything else to say. He makes her feel normal, like she isn't just some girl confined to her hospital bed.

"You're strong," he says, like it's a fact, and she feels better.

She asks how B.C. was and he laughs, shaking off the question. He tells her a couple stories that make her giggle, about people he met and places he'd been, and he seems to miss it or miss something but _there isn't much to tell_, he says and she knows there's no trying when Jake Martin doesn't want to talk.

"How'd you get the money to fly back?" Clare wonders, and Jake tells her not to worry.

"Had some extra cash," he answers, smiling, and leaves it at that.

...

"Did Katie tell you?" Clare asks later, and Jake chuckles. Clare sent out an email to Katie two days ago telling her about her cancer, but specifically instructed that she didn't want anyone to drop anything to come out and visit her.

"She made me swear not to tell you, but that didn't really work out," he smirks. "She texted me from Camp and I kinda lost it after that."

Clare starts fiddling with her fingers and Jake quirks an eyebrow.

"No feeling guilty, you dork," he grins and continues. "She told me not to do anything stupid, but fuck that, I was coming over. I didn't call or anything because I didn't want dad or Helen or you to try and stop me. She picked me up from the airport, and well, here I am."

Clare smiles at him. "So you guys have been texting?"

Jake tries to look casual, but his eyes betray him. "Yeah, a bit. Here and there."

Clare gives him a cheeky smile. "I'm happy for you."

"Let it go, baldy," he smirks again, reaching back to rub his neck.

…

Katie comes in a couple of hours later, sneaking in a couple Timbits. She sits on the bed with Clare, and they share in some gossip and girly things and Jake rolls his eyes exaggeratedly from the chair.

Katie does ask some things about her cancer, and does push and prod her like mom and Glen, but Clare knows it's just because she cares. Katie can take a hint though, unlike mom and Glen, cause she moves on when she can see the charade in Clare's smile, and Clare silently thanks her for that.

Eli spills in later for his afternoon visit, and the energy in the room lifts Clare's spirits nearly tenfold. They all join her for her tests, for her lunch, for anything she wants. They wait outside for group and give her a break when she needs it too.

Getting up to pee after a nap, she smiles at Eli sleeping in the chair. Jake and Katie are talking outside the closed door, and Clare notices that there's an intimacy in the way that they stand together.

When her and Jake get another moment alone together, she asks him if he was saving up his cash to visit Katie in Florida, and if he used his money to visit her instead.

Jake tells her not to worry.

….

Katie has to go back to work at Camp on Monday, but she promises she'll be around to visit every weekend, and during the week if she can. Clare tells her not to worry about it, that she should visit Maya instead, and Katie snorts and tells her that she can do both, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Katie leaves a card for Clare that she doesn't notice until the early hours of the morning when she has to call a nurse because of the ache in her chest, and she cries, but not because of the pain.

* * *

-x-

"I'm staying here," Jake affirms, and Clare's brow furrows.

"I can't let you stay here when-"

"I'm staying here and that's that. I can work with my dad for the summer, and when school comes around, we'll figure something else out."

"Jake, I-"

"I was freakin mushroom picking, it's not like I'll be missing anything-"

"Jake I swear-"

"So it's settled then. Good. I'm hungry," And he puts on a cheshire grin before walking out and slamming the door behind him.

"You're so lame!" he hears, as he makes his way to the food court on the floor below.

* * *

-x-

She wakes to an arrangement of yellow lilacs on her bedside table after a long night of throwing up and needles.

_My mom always said that  
yellow flowers  
make it impossible not to smile.  
Or some shit like that.  
-Jake  
_  
Clare feels the tears brimming in her eyes, but she knows how much effort her brother takes in growing his plants. And he's right really, it's like she can't help but smile looking at the sun-drenched bouquet.

* * *

**:) Review if you like?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Soo, this is chapter 2! Sorry about the wait, haha. I hope you all like this update though :)  
I don't own.**

* * *

_Glen  
_-x-

He's sitting on the barstool, elbows on the granite counter, a coffee – black – cradled in his hands. Sunlight pours through the kitchen window, and he watches the dust particles floating in the silence. The house creaks along with his bones as he rolls his shoulders, turning his head when he hears the front door open.

...

"I love you," Eli whispers, smiling into the kiss.

"I love you too," Clare giggles, holding him tighter. "Now go, before you eat up your entire life-savings…" she nods towards the horse and carriage, still lounging outside.

"I love you," he says low, running a hand through her curls. "I," kiss, "love," kiss, "you."

She smiles wider, blushing hard as he clasps her hand once more before he leaves. The second door opens, and Glen considers running back upstairs before Clare sees him, but decides to let things play out.

...

She comes in, face beaming, eyes alight. But seeing him, her face falls instantly.

"Glen," she squeaks to his back, hand to her heart. He's still turned away from her, so she can't see his grin. "We were just-" she stammers, "we were just, umm, ahh, I mean-"

He finally looks over his shoulder at her, his eyebrow arched sternly.

"Clare," he grunts, and almost can't go through with it, seeing the look of pure terror on her face. "Do you want some cereal?" he asks.

Clare blinks.

Then seeing her step-dad's completely smug smile, she breaks into nervous laughter. He joins in a moment later, which only makes her laugh harder.

"Have a seat," Glen says, patting the stool beside him. Clare does, adjusting Eli's jacket around her again. "We have…Rice Krispies, uhh, Fibre 1, but I don't think you want that…Lucky Charms…Jake likes those, but I won't tell if you want a bowl…so not much," he chuckles warmly. "I can make you oatmeal if you want, too."

Clare smiles, curling a strand of hair in her fingers. "Can I have some Honey Nut Cheerios? They're behind the Rice Krispies."

Glen frowns, but it looks more like a pout. He reaches down, pushing the Rice Krispies aside, and _ahhhh_s as he pulls out the Cheerios.

"One bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios," he smiles back, putting down the bowl to grab the milk from the fridge.

He pours the cereal, getting her a spoon as well. Clare thanks him, and after she's had a few bites, she notices the silence. The kind of silence that she recognizes as a question, but she doesn't think she can give Glen the satisfaction of bringing up what they both knew she'd been doing…or _who_ she had been, for that matter.

Just when she feels like she can't stand his smirking face eyeing her any longer, he speaks.

"So…good night, Clare?" Oh, he's totally enjoying her embarrassment.

"Yep," Clare answers, scrounging up the courage to look him in the eye. "Perfect, actually."

His eyes glow with mirth at her challenge, but just as quickly, they fill with concern.

"Clare, your nose is bleeding-"

And then she feels the thickness trailing down into her mouth.

"It's nothing, really-" she tries to say, but she knows instantly, that it's worse than before. "I had one earlier, it's no big deal-" But as the blood trickles down her hands, she can't stop her voice from shaking.

"Here," he says softly, grabbing some paper towels. But she soaks through them instantly. He swallows deeply. "I'm getting your mother-"

"Stay?" Clare whispers before she can realize it. "Please."

"Okay," he soothes, rubbing her back. "Okay." He calls for Helen, and Clare doesn't let go of his hand until it stops.

* * *

-x-

His first instinct is to run. Run as far and as fast away from this pain as possible.

_Cancer._

He holds Helen, partly because Clare hasn't ever really allowed him to hug her, and partly because he doesn't know what else to do.

"Everything's going to be okay," he gets out later, reaching a hand towards her shoulder, but not quite touching. He nearly crumbles from the look of hatred on Clare's face, like she can't believe he couldn't at least try to look like he believed it.

* * *

-x-

He stays longer at work, takes extra shifts. Helen voices her concerns to him in the dead of night, like Clare cutting off her hair and wearing neon wigs, etc. and Glen tells her to let Clare deal with it how she needs to deal with it. Helen huffs and tells him she needs his support and then bursts into tears. He makes oatmeal at the crack of dawn, but it burns, so he leaves a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios out instead. Nobody sees him until it's time for dinner, but even then he stays on a job for just a little bit longer.

* * *

-x-

He comes down the stairs to his son, eating a bowl of Lucky Charms against the granite countertop and fuming.

"Dad," Jake manages calmly, taking another bite.

"Jake? What happened? Why aren't you in B.C.?" He stops, almost like there's an invisible wall of tension between them.

"I decided to come back home, you know, once I heard Clare had cancer." Jake continues to spoon through his cereal.

Glen reaches back to scratch his neck. "I don't know what you want me to say-"

"Just shut up," Jake snarks. "Just shut up, dad," he finishes quietly, taking the final bite of his cereal.

In a way, Glen knew this day was coming. Jake had always been a soldier more than his son. _Yes dad, sure dad, okay dad, whatever makes you happy dad, that's alright dad, don't worry dad_…blind faith in him – who was there, but never fully. Maybe, Glen wonders, maybe Jake was just tired of taking orders.

"She's sick, Jake-"

"I know," he snaps, throwing his bowl into the sink. "But she's going to be fine. No help from you of course."

Glen sighs painfully.

"I'm going to bed," Jake says, though it's just to fill the air. "Tomorrow, I'm going to visit her. You can come, or you can stay. I don't care."

"So, you're staying here now?" Glen asks.

Jake just shakes his head, before walking up the stairs.

* * *

-x-

He thinks of speaking to Jake. He thinks of comforting Clare.

Then he remembers how Jake practically raised himself, and how Clare basically popped into this world mature, and he thinks it isn't fair of him to try and start raising them now.

* * *

-x-

He waits outside the room, like he always does, while Clare's having her tests. Jake, Helen, Eli, and Katie (he's sure that's her name, Jake hasn't told him about her) wait inside, talking amongst themselves. They seem to switch shifts with a kid named Adam and his brother Drew, who aren't here today.

There's a way in which they all stand together; everything seems to be alright. And Glen can't tell if it's because he's supposed to be there, or if it's because they don't need him at all.

"_She needs a dad," Jake says low, when they're driving back home from work together. It's one of the few things the boy's said to him all month._

"_She has a dad," Glen answers roughly, and instantly regrets it._

"_She needs you," Jake shrugs, and Glen knows that his son hasn't forgiven him, but it's all he can offer him just yet.  
_

Glen takes a breath, deciding he'd rather stay than run for about the eighth time in his whole damn life.

"Hey," he says quietly, rapping on the door before making his way inside.

He thinks he'd have done it anyway – because if anyone showed him what it means to be a good dad, it's his son – but he can't deny that the look on Clare's and Jake's and Helen's faces, make it all worth it.

* * *

-x-

"I brought you some magazines," Glen smiles brightly, and Clare still doesn't have the heart to tell him she'd much rather read SEVENTEEN, TIME and COSMO than PEOPLE and STAR (which she knows he just takes from Helen).

He's over almost all the time now, and on her worst days, Clare wishes he'd sit in denial at work like he used to, if only to give her some breathing room. She supposes it's because she's not used to all of the attention; good attention from her parents at least.

He listens though (better than mom) and seems to get that she's a freaking teen and needs a break now and again. He's really easy to talk to, she finds, and laughs whenever she has to explain some new lingo to him.

_"Apparently, I'm not hip with the kids,"_ he smirks one time, and Clare sees where Jake gets a lot of his mannerisms, though she won't tell him. It's one of those things you keep close for comfort.

He spoils her, and at first she puts up a fuss. But then he reminds her, when they're having one of their long talks, that it's his job, and that it's okay to be taken care of sometimes.

She's sad that the first time she allows him to really hug her is after she's puked and her face is soaked in snot and tears.

* * *

-x-

"I tried to get a hold of Jake," he confesses one night, when Clare's tucked in her hospital bed. "Before he flew back." She looks at him, betrayal slicing through her features.

"You promised you wouldn't-" she starts.

"I know," he says. "I'm sorry."

Clare looks like she wishes he would stop talking. Like she doesn't want to have to tell him that he was just doing his job, because she's tired of being the adult. But she's too polite to say anything.

Instead, he asks, "Did you really think I'd keep it from him forever?" and winks.

Clare smiles sheepishly. "I was hoping you would," she laughs. There's a pause. "So, what happened?"

Glen coughs. "Well, he doesn't use Skype…or email really. And he didn't take his phone with him. I sent him a letter…"

Clare's eyes widen. "He didn't get a letter though. He told me."

Glen nods. "It got sent back. He moved around too much for it to be delivered in time." And he stiffens, because for the first time since his wife died, he feels a tear rolling down his cheek.

Clare grabs his hand. "You're a good dad, Glen," she swears, giving him her most tender of Clare-smiles.

He chuckles. "And you're a wonderful daughter, Clare."

* * *

-x-

He walks in on his son blazing in the basement, with only the moon to light his way.

"Jake?" he asks carefully, about to turn on the light when the boy groans. "What's wrong?"

Jake doesn't answer. So instead of telling him to remember to snuff out his joint before coming to bed like usual, Glen walks over, and sits beside him on the couch. He waits.

"She's gone," Jake rasps, taking another drag.

"Who?" Glen asks, though he's pretty sure of the answer. He expected it to be like pulling teeth, but Jake's words just tumble out.

"Katie. She's going to California. Tomorrow."

Glen nods, knowing it's best to just let Jake do the talking.

"School's starting. So she's gone."

Glen takes a breath. "For how long?"

"Till Christmas, she thinks. Or maybe Thanksgiving."

Glen's brow furrows. "You know you can't follow her, right?"

Jake laughs, coughing as the smoke bursts out his mouth. "Yeah."

Glen moves to touch him, but Jake stiffens.

"I live here," Jake states roughly. "I'm here. Even if I wanted to leave, I couldn't leave Clare. I wouldn't leave…this is where I'm supposed to be. Katie gets it. She gets that."

"Are you angry with her?"

"Yeah." Jake murmurs. Then: "No. She stayed as long as she could. And it's not like it was a picnic leaving for her either. With Maya here, and Clare, and Marisol…and…"

"And you?" Glen finishes, sadly. Jake doesn't answer.

…

It's back and forth between them with the joint, compromising about work and school, and reminiscing about a few bittersweet memories before Glen gets up to leave for bed. "Jake?" he says, before stepping on the stairs. "It'll all work out. One day." He taps the doorframe, when his son still doesn't answer him.

He's about halfway up the stairs when he hears "Thanks, dad," forgiveness laced in every tone.

"Goodnight Jake," he answers gruffly.

He remembers to hoard some cash for his son's 'California' jar in his own sock drawer (he knows Jake will never accept it, but he might as well try) before crawling into bed beside Helen, and pressing a kiss to her temple.

* * *

-x-

She's thin and wiry, and pale and sickly, but Glen envelopes her in a bear hug, telling her how beautiful she is. And this time, he nearly crumbles from the look of pure adoration on Clare's face, like she wouldn't believe him if he told her any different. He's about to sit down on the chair beside her hospital bed, Helen in toe, when he hears something that catches him entirely off guard. Something that he thinks he would've been happy to hear under any other circumstances.

"Dad!" Clare shouts happily, opening her arms up to Mr. Edwards in the doorway. And Glen doesn't know what to do about the pang in his heart, the one that's telling him to run as far and as fast as he can from here.

He swears Clare's smile is the only thing that makes him stay that day.

* * *

**Review ma loves?**


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